I feel sad. It's passed 3am and Ican't sleep and I have to be up at 6 for reservist. There's no one online I can talk to and the one I want to talk to keeps popping up in my mind.

I can't stop thinking about the space. Sharing a space isn't that easy. Turns out some are more selfish than others. Also, with the money, I could have cleared my loan with lots left over. Now, it can do nothing but build up. Cos of these, i'm starting to lose faith is the arts. Try as much as I can, in the end, if you don't help yourseLf, no one can. i feel I give and give and give and the returns are...well, I'm not looking for any returns but there should be some kind of ...this entry stops here

So I work everyday and doing as much as I can. And what do I have to amount for that? Nothing but pure satisfaction. Well sorry, satisfaction doesn't pay the bills. Satisfaction doesn't feed me enough so I don't feed constantly tired. Satisfaction doesn't pay the rent for this art space I took up to try to do something for others. Screw satisfaction. Give me the money anytime.

It's been a long time since I've been here. I should be here again. It helps that I'm writing. Just doing everyday in and out didn't help. And as you can see, it's so primary school english standard now. Why do we need to write? I don't know but I know if I don't I'll just be a doofus in the coming age. Writing helps to express oneself and if you can move or make someone understand with your writing. Ace to you. If you can do the same with speech. Double aces. Repression and expression. Expression and repression.

I've been trying so hard that I think I've forgotten what or how to live for. I'm just doing and doing and it slowly starts to envelop my life. I've basically screwed up really badly. I was happy, but now i'm just psuedo happy. Just like how I perform under a psuedo name. I don't even perform anymore. I've been living a lie. I want to fly around the world and turn back time to the days of when Camperdown and Glebe was so near but yet so far but thru some freak of random coincidential nature and good luck, the 2 towns met, had the best time in one's opinion, with the usual ups and downs, and screwed up so badly the threads are gone and there's no way or repairing. Damage has been done and just like the walls in the gallery, no matter how much you patch, putty and paint, you'll still see the lump and can hear the hollowness when you knock hard enough.

Just knock into me and you'll hear the hollowness. You're the only one who ever makes me cry and whom I love. Cheesy yes but I can say it with truth in my heart after denying it for so long and refusing that it exist.

Do not ask me about anything if you read this. I don't want to hear it or talk about it. Unless it's by the one who will never forgive me.

If I ever get myself out of all this debt, I'm selling everything and going back to being myself, which I have no idea is what.

I'm feel so drained. It's been about 1 and a half years.